Thursday, 8 July 2010

The one about the "Tescos - Peppersteak - Debacle"

I recently purchased some Peppered Grillsteaks , they looked damn tasty too . I knew I would never get around to eating them before the Best Before Date so I froze them . A month later and I`m rummaging in the freezer and heft out this veritable slab of spiced meat and think "Whoo this will go down a treat" . They were duly defrosted overnight and some were cooked and taken to work . It comes to lunchtime and I am absolutely ravenous , I could eat a Dead Donkey`s Arse I am THAT hungry . I eat the first Grillsteak and it was nice and head for the second one .... within seconds I am spitting out a piece of Gristle and think "Oh well , it`s to be expected once in a while" . Oh how wrong could I be ? . I find another bit , and chew and BINGo !!! there`s another bit . "What the HELL ? Are they grinding up Midgets now?" is my second thought . By the end of my Gristly meal I have about a Tablespoon of rounded off unidentifiable Cartilage . It gets to the evening and I still have more of these things left so decide to cook them and polish them off as well ......... Sigh .

The same story with the next lot as well but it is in EVERY single Grillsteak . The pile of Knobbly Unchewables is getting bigger and I have had enough . I finish off what I can and dump the rest in the Dog`s bowl and apologise to her , she chews away and I am sure I saw her spitting out some bits into her bowl with a comedy "Ting" noise , and that is saying a lot for an animal that seems to like the taste of it`s own "Chocolate Balloon Knot" . I decided to go and hunt somebody down at Tesco`s and went to their website and their contact page and entered this :

Tescos Barbecue range "8 Peppered Grillsteaks" . I bought some of these recently
(obvious really as I was shopping rather than shoplifting) and froze them .
I defrosted them yesterday evening and cooked them today , and rather tasty they were .
Unfortunately they seemed to contain more than their fair share of ground-up kneecap
and minced ligaments than I am usually used to ,each bite was a wonderful treasure trove
of "Hunt the Meat and Dodge the Gristle" . It wasn`t a hard game as I have an
abundance of stuff on the plate and can provide a photograph of this non-appetising
delight . I await your reply via email regarding the quality of this product ,
I have retained the label in case you need to trace whoever decided to dump a whole
cows cartilage into the mincer , I don`t think I would bother buying these ever again
and have noticed some nice road kill carcasses in the local area that appear to be a
safer bet than these "Teeth Busters" , Yours .... (xXBADGERXx)<---Name Changed .

They sent me an email back asking me to provide the number from the Barcode , the suppliers Mark and the Use By Date ............ not even an apology , just spouting some cobblers about maintaining quality . I would have got something better if I had gone to the store to make a complaint but why should I put this upon some poor storeperson when they have a complaints line to handle stuff like this ? ......... Well guess what Tesco`s ? I`m surrounded by other supermarkets and I`m sure I can get equally crappy products from them instead .

TESCO`S eVERY LITLE HELPs <------ lose the smaller letters and recite again .

DICKHEADS <----- no smaller letters to lose here but you can recite this as well

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

The one about the "Odd Tasting Brew"

Back in the very early 90`s we didn`t have Mobile Phones , or Facebook ...... in fact the Internet wasn`t up to much either . We had things called Bulletin Boards or BBS . We used to organise all sorts of computer related events where we swapped software etc . A real big thing would be a local show where you could go along and buy all sorts of kit for your computer . The big computer at the time was the Commodore Amiga and we used to flock to these shows to buy as many blank discs as we could and then cram as much free software onto them as was humanly possible . The best time to get a very good price was when the very hassled stall holders were packing away , they just didn`t care anymore and would sell all sorts of tat for next-to-nothing . Me and my mate , Lee , would hover around these stalls and bag all sorts of goodies .

Now , as I said before , we didn`t have Mobiles and other such stuff , so we organised stuff well in advance . This evening we had organised to go to our local , The Cross keys , and meet up with our fellow hairy folk for an evening of Ale Quaffing and playing as much Rock/Metal as the Jukebox would allow . We were supposed to be there for 8 O`Clock . Lee is Diabetic so would drive there and drive us all back for the price of a few Diet Cokes . We are in the Computer show and I look at my watch and exclaim "Bloody Hell Lee it`s a quarter past 7 , we better get a wriggle on !!" . A hasty retreat and last haggles are made and we are legging it back to the Car (which is about a mile away) and spilling 3½ inch discs all over the place . We pile in and get moving and I hatch a plan . "Right mate , pull over at the chippy and I will jump out and grab 2 bags of chips , we get to my gaff and you put the kettle on and butter some bread , I`ll dish the chips onto plates and throw the Coffee and Sugar into some cups , Kettle boils and we have brews and food and then off to the pub ?" . Lee agrees with this and we pull over and get some chips .

We arrive back at my place and dive into the kitchen , I grab 2 plates and dish the chips out , I grab 2 cups and reach out for a Red topped jar . My mother was favouring Kenco Coffee at the time and it came in a jar with a Red hexagonal lid . I spoon 2 big heaped spoonfulls of Coffee into the mugs and chuck 2 Sugars on top . The kettle has boiled , the bread is buttered and thrown onto the plated Chips . Lee passes over the Milk and I top the brews up with hot water and Milk . We each grab a plate and a mug and make our way into the Living room . Chips are pressed into soft doughy , buttered Bread and introduced to mouths ...... NOM NOM NOM CHEW , Lovely . Mugs are raised to lips and both of us take a drink of our Coffees at the same time . A great big gulp of well deserved and long awaited Coffee , cooled nicely with the right amount of Milk and soon to be followed by another great chewy mouthful of Chip Buttie ............. but it isn`t Coffee . We both jump up and leg it to the front door and jettison the liquid onto the front lawn , I have my hands on my knees and I am retching like a puppy . I just about manage to not throw up , Lee is laughing hysterically with tears running down his cheeks and a bad case of the hiccupps as well . I think about the weirdest thing I have ever tasted in my life and go to throw up again (I swear I am gagging as I type this and it was almost 20 years ago) . We head back into the kitchen to examine the ingrediants . The Milk smells fine , it even tastes good as I swill my mouth with it . The Kettle has no suspicious ingrediants and the Coffee ........................ isn`t Coffee . The Red topped jar of Kenco Coffee was actually a Red topped jar of Bisto Gravy Granules and I had just made a nice brew of Meaty goodness with 2 sugars and milk ....................... an absolute Grooler of a drink and makes me feel queesy at the mere thought of it . I even jump when somebody mentions Beef nowadays .

Everybody laughed in the pub that night and I am sure they all bought Chips and Gravy on the way home afterwards .

Friday, 2 July 2010

The one about the "Random Facebook Happening"

I have One whole best friend in the World , everybody else is a good mate or just an aquaintance . Now in this day and age I keep in touch with people via Facebook . It has become a good social tool for arranging nights out and harvesting pictures . Now my best friend , Thomas , is not a prolific Facebook user , he puts in an appearance once in a while and when he does ...... it gets very random . His wife , Dawn , tends to monitor this from time to time to ride the crest of crazyness that can occur from these moments . His latest craze is mentioning "Stilton Hammers" , they don`t exist obviously . I must admit I tend to Fuel Tommy`s crazy Facebookery and this is what occurred tonight .

Tommy logs in and changes his status .

Thomas : HAMMER TIME!!!
Dawn : put the hammer away, now you know it's wrong ......
xXBADGERXx : Stilton Hammers ?
Thomas : of course stilton, why? do they make them from other unhammer worthy materials like cake?
xXBADGERXx : Oh dear , nobody has told him about about the Jaffa Malletts have they ?
Thomas : WHAT!!!!! You'll be telling me they are making screwdrivers out of something other than peperoni!!!!
xXBADGERXx : Preposterous idea , although , in the Gentlemans club the other afternoon I did hear some poppycock about Liquorice Files
Dawn : Ha ha, conversations between you two really make me laugh!
xXBADGERXx : (spoken in a posh voice) I say , does anyone have some spare Milk ? , I am making a picture frame made entirely out of Scrambled Eggs and missing a vital ingredient ... what what !!
Dawn : I have some pork sausages from which u could make a picture to put in your frame
xXBADGERXx : Pork ........... Pork sausages (mulls this offer over) , will you take a shiny Pfennig for them ? ...... I plan a marvellous "Bacon Sunrise"
xXBADGERXx : Over ..... may I hasten to add !! , a Sea of Beans nonetheless
Thomas : Damn these salad shoes, was going to bring you some souffle nails to hang your creation but have worn my radish soles right through!
Dawn : Bacon sunrise! You will be the 'toast' of the art world, how could i refuse to sell
xXBADGERXx : The Sausage Schooners will be afloat the Sea of Beans under a Bacon Sunrise with their Toasted Sails aloft
Dawn : Thomas, cheese strings would make a suitable shoe replacement and don't forget your hat of spaghetti hoops
Thomas : Bugger these shoes, gonna sit down and eat my tea. Boiled iron coffin nails on a freshly toasted roofing slate.
xXBADGERXx : I hope it is followed by a stout pudding of Red-Hot freshly smithed Horseshoes

Now from this random utterance of complete Bollox (none of us had alcohol and we don`t "Smoke" anything) I decided to fire up photoshop and actually create the picture , behold the Digital Brushstrokes of xXBADGERXx (Scrambled-Egg picture frame to arrive later)

Ladies and Gentlefolk , may I present to you "The Sea of Beans"

This picture makes me feel so so hungry , anyone for Buttered sails ?

Saturday, 26 June 2010

The one about the "Megger Fried Security Guard"

Many moons ago I did an apprenticeship for a well known local Washing Machine manufacturer . It was a very good time in my life and gave me a lot of the skills I have today with machinery and the ability to make things from almost nothing with hand tools or machines . The company has since moved its operations abroad and the original site has been long knocked down to make way for some sort of Welsh Assembly . Towards the end of the Apprenticeship I decided to specialise in becoming a "Fitter" where you maintained the big industrial machinery and kept the site running from day to day . I got stuck into a lot of work but sometimes there were quiet periods with hardly any downtime . At times like this a young and very bored tearaway could get up to all sorts of mischief .... and I did .

One of my duties every Friday was to go up onto the roof and head over to the Water Tower , very carefully with much wobbling and sweating and trying not to look down , and adding a treatment to make sure nobody got Legionnaires Disease from the bacteria in the water . It was here , one hot and sunny afternoon , that I decided to take a break . I noticed that some of the gutters up here had holes around them and were in poor condition and you could look down into the area where the trucks were loaded with finished produce . The wagons used to back up to a waist height concrete Bay , drop their tailgates and Fork lift trucks would load the products into the wagons for delivery . Once they were done a Roller-Shutter door was brought down and locked into place . "What has this got to do with the story" I hear you cry ..... all will be revealed shortly dear reader , patience ..... patience .

We used to have a very tyrranical boss who would come marching into the maintenance area , his stomache 2 yards ahead of his sweating and smoking mass , cigarette in one hand and shouting "why aren`t you lot working ?" , everybody would scurry around quickly and make it look like they were doing something ....... I never bothered as I was an apprentice and always had something to do . As it happened this boss was stood near me when I opened the top off my flask and poured myself a lovely steaming cup of Persil Washing Powder !!!!!!! . The bosses eyes bulged (there was a security issue on site with people stealing washing powder from the site and taking it home) , he gave me a look as if to say "Gotcha you Powder Stealing Bastard" ........ quick as a flash I uttered "F***ing Bastards , If I catch whoever is pouring my Coffee down the sink and filling my flask with powder , I`ll skin `em alive" , the boss thinks I have had a prank played on me and with this he laughs at my misfortune . I begrudgingly buy a drink from the machine and wander back in , the boss departs and I sit down next to the guys . There is a long silence and then one of the guys pipes up "You forgot to empty the powder out of your flask when you got home last night didn`t you ?" .... I brought the insipid drink up to my lips and went ..... "Yup" . Everybody fell about laughing and our supervisor slaps me on the back in a congratulatory fashion and says "Fair play lad , that was some quick thinking" . Well it was either that or get a disciplinary .

Over the next few weeks there is a massive clamp down and bag searches are prevalent , one thing I noticed was that I was getting searched quite often and by the same guard . He was one of those ones that was ex-military , regulation moustache that was cut about a quarter of an inch off the top of his lip and still thought he was in the army .... he was a prize Cock Smoker as far as I was concerned and his day was coming soon . He searched me again one evening and I walked away safe in the knowledge that everything was ok and then I overheard one of his colleagues , "You seem to search him quite a lot ?" .......... and his reply .......... "I don`t like Bikers" . I thought to myself "OK mate , you just became my main focus of mischief ..... it is so ON" . I walk to the car park and start my bike up and join the queue to leave the site . I eventually clear the gate after about 5 minutes of waiting and ride away past the front of the factory and I notice this particular guard is walking along the concrete Bay and checking that the Roller-Shutter doors are down and locked and I have a flash of inspiration . Inside my bike helmet I am almost cackling like a lunatic at the plan that forms within a Millisecond "Oh you are in for a rare treat buddy , a rare treat indeed" . I sleep happily that night and dream the finer details of my plan .

Now , a little factoid here for you . The unions had sorted out an agreement that we only worked a certain amount of hours . This basically worked out that we worked til 1 in the afternoon on one Friday and the week after we had Fridays off . It was a great system and the week I decided to treat my favourite security guard was a 1 o`clock finish , I usually did some overtime on a Friday afternoon as we had hardly anybody on site and it was easier to maintain stuff without losing a limb without the operators around . The first port of call was to go and see the Electrical Department ..... or the "Sparkies" as we called them . I saw one of my friends working alone in there and snuck in for a quiet chat . 10 minutes later my friend has given me 2 rolls of wire and has agreed to meet me in the end loading bay , directly under the pipes that carry the rain water away . I scuttle up onto the roof and grab the ends of the 2 rolls of wire and feed them down the holes behind the pipe . My friend grabs them and gives them a tug to alert me that there is enough wire . He carries out my instructions ........

1. Bring Roller-Shutter door down and lock it
2. Attach wires loosely around the back part of the door mechanism and hide them
3. Remove fuse from door panel so it cannot be opened
4. Hang a sign on the door where the loaders can see it on the inside as "Down for Maintenance"

So , from the outside it just looks like the door has been brought down and locked to any passing Security Guard . The second part of the plan involves persuading Harry the Storeman to provide me with a Megger Insulation Tester without signing for it . I explain that no matter what happens , we never had this , he never signed one out , you ain`t seen me .... allright ? . He agrees as he knows I am up to no good and likes to hear about my escapades . Now I know some of you are staring at the screen going "OK Badger , what the heck is one of those Megger Insulation Tester thingies ?" . Imagine a wind up torch , the more you wind it up , the brighter it gets and then when you press the button , you get some light . Well this is a big box , you connect it to a new wiring system and wind the handle up so that the needle gives the required amount of Voltage and then you press a button .... it discharges itself into that system and then reports back whether the insulation will not break down under the required load and set fire to your property . With Megger in hand I clamber back up onto the roof and connect it to the loose ends of the wiring and then scuttle back down the system of ladders to check my mates work .... he`s done a good job , wiring is hidden , wound around the handles by 1 turn and ready . We just need the final part of the plan and we are ready .

A couple of hours pass and it is almost time to finish , I tell my Supervisor that I am just gonna go to the back of the site and make sure the Fork lifts are all on charge and that all is good up there . He "Okays" this and I walk past the Sparkies Dept and give my mate the nod and he gets up and follows me . All over the site there are people congregating near the exits with bags over their shoulders , happy and jovial that the weekend is here at last . We look around to make sure nobody sees us and enter the doorway that leads to the ladder system that enables access to the roof . We blast up them as quickly as possible and get down by the Megger and lay flat on the roof , there is a small parapet about 3 feet high that we hide behind and I start winding the Megger up , my mate is shaking his head and saying "Absolutely not , that will probably kill him" . I discharge the unit and ask where is good , he advises me where the needle should be on the meter and I agree , it doesn`t take many turns and we wait . I watch the Security lodge and see the Guards come out and "Moustache" is not there . "F**K!!!!" all this was for nothing . People come swarming out and I hear the rest of the Roller-Shutter doors coming down below us .

I am disappointed and so is my partner in crime , people are being checked at the gates , the sun is shining and we are sweating from the heat and the apprehension . My eyes flick from the meter to the area below and I am scanning for our favourite Guard , I lean over and give the Megger a few extra turns to keep it topped up and we scan the area , he`s around somewhere because we have seen him earlier in the day . The crowd is thinning out a bit and some of the Guards return back into the lodge to get out of the heat and I am chewing my bottom lip in annoyance ................ and then the Security Lodge door opens and "Moustache" emerges , placing his cap on his head . "BINGO!! Target Acquired" . He paces along the front yard and heads for the Roller-Shutters , my friend is almost peeing himself laughing and I motion my arm downwards and give him a glare . He is 4 doors away , he tests Door 1 ..... Rattle and Twist the handle , it is shut . Megger gets another casually slow wind for luck ...... Door 2 ..... Rattle and Twist the handle , it is shut . Megger gets yet another casually slow wind for luck ...... Door 3 ..... Rattle and Twist the handle , it is shut and he progresses to Door number 4 . My finger sits on top of the discharge button and I watch him walk to the final Door , one shiny polished boot follows another in slow motion , his arm reaches out , another boot comes down and his hand opens up to grasp the handle and the very nanosecond that his palm touches the handle and his fingers wrap around it .......................... I pressed the Discharge Button .

I can honestly say that I never expected the result that we got , all I know is that I was looking down on him , his back was arched , mouth wide open in a silent scream and standing on tip-toes like a Ballerina . I gave him the full whack until the needle hit zero and then we waited . I heard Boot scuffles and risked a quick glance over the parapet to see "Moustache" bent over and walking away from the area , clutching one hand and whimpering like a Puppy . I give my accomplice the nod and he takes off for the ladders with the Megger in one hand , I yank on the wires that delivered the charge and they come away from the handle and I pull them back up through the roof . I coil them up and slip them inside my boiler suit and almost slide down the ladders . My accomplice hands me the Megger and I send him back into the Bay via a side door so that he can replace the fuse and remove the sign . I take a back route to Maintenance , knock on the firedoor for stores and Harry opens it up and takes the Megger out of my hands . He closes the door and I casually wander over to the Fork lift charging stations and make sure all is good . I stuff the wire behind one of the sheds as it is too risky to be walking around with that on me at the moment . I make sure the cameras spot me going about my duties .... if I have timed this right then I will get back to Maintenance in a few minutes and ready for a brew . I saunter in casually and wash the Fork lift grime off my hands and mention to the Supervisor that "One Pillock didn`t even plug his truck in to charge up properly" , he tuts in a typical fashion and hands me a brew . I make eye contact with Harry who gives me a wink , so that bits sorted , where is my accomplice ? . I glance over to the Sparkies area and there he is , reading a newspaper and acting natural .

We work for a couple more hours and nothing is mentioned . It`s all too quiet and something should have gotten back to us but it hasn`t . We leave the site and there is only a couple of Guards on duty , I resist the urge to quip about how quiet it is and wend my way out of the gates and head for my bike . The weekend passes without incident and many beers and we return to work on the Monday .............. to Pandemonium . The Electrical department all leave the bosses office and he is yelling and I catch part of a conversation along the lines of "you can`t get a shock off them , that`s what he won`t understand" . An hour passes and word has got around that a Security Guard got a nasty shock off the Roller-Shutter doors and to be careful whilst the Sparkies investigate . My accomplice reports back to me that it is all "kicking Off" in their department over this with managers shouting at other managers . The door is given a clean bill of health and an explanation of "Improbable" is given out . We keep our heads down and hope it all passes . Eventually it goes all quiet on the Western front and we leave work , I spot "Moustache" amongst the guards and catch a glimpse of his bandaged hand . I open my bag for him to inspect and he looks in , he doesn`t put his hand in to move things around and then he looks at me and I found myself saying "looks nasty that" ............. and giving him a wink .

The look on his face was priceless but not as funny as the look on Harry`s face one day as I retold him this story , in a quiet local Pub over a Beer that was promised to him for his helping hand in the matter of the "Megger Fried Security Guard"

Sunday, 20 June 2010

The one about the "14 hours to London and back epic"

This is another "Copy and Paste" from a post I made on a Motorbike Forum back in June of 2008 .

It goes something a little like this . I am perusing the "For Sale" section of my favourite motorcycle forum and notice somebody is selling a "Scorpion Street Extreme" Exhaust in Titanium (my favourite Flavour) , a text and a phone call later and the dastardly deed is done . The seller lives not too far from Heathrow . I call my mate Rick and say "Ooh I got a new can for the SV" he replies with "Guess what , I`m bidding on another Kawasaki Z1300 on eBay and thats in Dagenham" ......... hmmm if Rick wins that auction we can kill 2 birds with one brick here . I notify the Exhaust seller that I may be able to collect the can in person .

Sooooooooo ..... a couple of days go by and Rick is on tenterhooks to say the least , he tells me where the guy lives and my reply is "No F***ing way dude , that`s the same street my ex`s parents live on , I know exactly where it is" . So we eyeball the auction and I give him advice on sniping the sale at the last second to secure a win . I assure him that I can get him there and we sort out that IF he wins , we will go down on his GSX1400 and he rides the Zed back and I will pilot the "Starship Enterprise GSX" back home . It comes to last Sunday and Rick has the winning bid - not surprising really as he mistyped his amount in and bid £52,451 on it instead of £2451 .... he got it for way less ........... phew .

So I go into work and ask for Friday off .......... it can`t be done so I strike a deal that I will go in at 5am and work til 9 . I awake at 4am , shower , ride to work and do what I have to do . 9am and I am outta there . Get to Ricks place , the lazy Feck has only just woken up so I usher him forthwith and tell him to "get a wriggle on" . We go to the bank and withdraw spendies and I am on the back of the GSX and already regretting it , my poor hips , knees , arms etc etc etc . We get on the A55 for 10 O`Clock and already we have slipped in behind a Bentley going rather fast , we follow with the plan that if he gets flashed , we can slow down . We get bored of him by Chester and hoof it past him and get on our way .

Rick stops in Shrewsbury to get some fish tank supplies from Dobbies and in the car park he puts his foot down wrong and the GSX topples , we are desperatetly trying to keep her up off the deck but I am still astride her with bad hips and Ricks back is cream crackered anyway , he lays her down on the crash bars and no harm is done . 10 minutes later we are on the M54 , then the M6 and hit the M42 then the M40 . Lunch break at Warwick services and back on . We get to Uxbridge and meet up with the Exhaust seller (an amiable and most affable chap) , he relieves me of some spendies and I have an exhaust that weighs as much as a large packet of crisps .

Then we get on the Horror that is the M25 , I had my heart in my mouth as Rick doesn`t like to hang about and filters at a speed that some would say was Lunacy , meh , what can you do as a pillion apart from keeping them peeled and alert for danger . By now we are both very saddle sore and head for Essex . M11 then down the A13 to Dagenham , and arrive just in time for my ex girlfriend to drive past and her eyes are on stalks as I whip my lid off and wave at her , she stops and offers us Tea after the purchase of the Zed is done ....... this takes about an hour and we are sat down (whimper) with a ham and cheese butty and a nice large coffee .

We say our goodbyes and head off back for home (300 miles done so far) . I am piloting the GSX and am surprised how flickable it is , the M11 is swiftly despatched and the joy of M1 hooning is in front of us ........ well it will be after Luton , bloody roadworks and Average speed checks . It is then that we come across a Porsche . He didn`t like me sedately wafting past him at 85 and blarts past me and pulls in , in front , I ignore it for a sum total of 8 seconds and think "blow that" and waft past him again . He goes past me .... I grin and go past him . He gasses it past me and pulls in . Rick gets close to me and eggs me on and I Hoof it past him at 120 ish with Rick in tow and Mr Porsche`s testacles shrink . Plus one for the bikes I reckon .

We get a move on as the light is failing and we have gone past the point of sore to almost crying in pain and decide that only speed will make it feel better . We Hoon for about 45 minutes and pull in at Corley Services for a petrol top up . I have a widdle , Rick takes a picture of me Lungeing and I have a ciggy . It is then that a Porsche pulls in to fill up , a familiar looking Porsche . He struts around the car like he owns the place , his Bimbo girlfriend applying lipstick in the rear view mirror . I nod to Rick and say in my very loud voice "Isn`t that the Porsche driven by Toffee Bollox" , Rick rips up laughing and the guy looks at the bikes , realises who we are , doesn`t fill up and dives into his Third Reich mobile and gives it some welly away from the garage , his girlfriend yelling "You need fuel...." from the open window . Plus 2 for the bikes by my reckoning .

So we get a move on , M6 approaches and Rick decides to test the top end of the Zed out , I give chase to him and we get up to around 130 and calm it down again . M6 is uneventful and we hit the M54 and its playtime . We up the ante a bit and get going , nothing passes us for miles and the road is ours . Then we hit the A5 and Rick is playing silly buggers giving it welly off roundabouts . I give chase and carry on as usual . Then we see the first sign for North Wales . A tear wells up in my eye as I realise the agony will soon be over .... and bugger me pink it starts to rain . Typical , first mention of North Wales and here it comes . It soon passes . Rick has an interaction with some silly cow in a VW beetle (bloody German cars again) who decides to speed up as he overtakes her and tries to shut him out of a dual carriageway going down to single lane . He guns it away from her and she traps me behind her , then squirts me endlessly with her screen wash , as if I care . We get to the next roundabout and we have a drag race , Rick loses . We pull into Dobbies again for a stretch and a rest/ciggy and Rick informs me that he couldn`t keep up as he was wheelspinning ....... I note this in the "likely story mate" section of my mind and feel content to outgunning my mentor on that bit .

We get going again and peel off the next roundabout and gun it past a big line of cars , Rick is ahead and I am greedy for a second round , I rip the throttle open and am in the upper rev range in 3rd gear and my life flashes before my eyes . The GSX bucks and the back end steps out to the right ..... then the left , then the right , I bounce out of the saddle and the bike shakes it`s head whilst doing 2 more bucks beneath me . I land and close the throttle and she straightens up and the car next to me has HORRIFIED occupants . All I can think about is "This aint my bike , who`s gonna feed my Dog if I crash ?" . I snick it up another gear and Yoda`s voice enters my head "with power , much responsibility comes" , I decide to learn my lesson and keep her in higher gears and tell myself off for being such a No0b .

We get past the Wrexham bypass and hit the A55 , by now we are hanging onto the bikes in sheer tiredness , we pass some poor soul on a W reg Blue SV650 on Rhuallt hill around midnight , he looks tired too and we get a move on , home is mere miles away and I am on autopilot . Some pillock in a 4x4 decides to play silly buggers with us as well (was Japanese and not German this time) and we are in no mood for him , he is despatched with a twist of the throttle (in a high and safer gear) and we head for home . A bit of A55 and some back streets and we get to Ricks , I park his GSX and hug my SV and tell her she will have goodies tomorrow morning (or is that today) , Meh . I throw a leg over her and already I feel better , I bid Rick good night and head off home .

I arrive at 1am , North Wales to London and back in 14 hours , I had been awake for 21 hours and had done 600 miles . A small adventure and it was a hoot , a lesson or Two was learnt to the many and the few (don`t mess with bikes , don`t grab a handfull on a wet roundabout , take breaks as and when you need to and germanic cars seem to have grudges at being overtaken) . Thankyou for reading this small adventure , and goodnight , it`s been emotional .

And if your an Officer of the Law , I lied about the speeds , we never exceeded any of the limits set on the Queen`s Highways .

Thursday, 17 June 2010

The one about the "Incessant Diarrhoea"

This is a "copy and paste" of a post I made on a biking forum back in November 2009 , this may make you Laugh/Smile or be Sick , you have been warned . Sit back with a beverage and enjoy my discomfort for it is an epic post...... The Girlfriend in this post is no longer around .

I awoke this morning feeling somewhat Ill . I had a massive headache the night before and took a Painkiller , and it was this Painkiller that made me Ill I think . It was an Ibruprofen and it was my last one , I was talking to the Girlfriend on the phone and trying to pop this little Pink bugger out of the packet and it shot out onto the Kitchen floor . Now doing what men do best , I just picked it up , rubbed it on my T-Shirt (a very well known Germicide if I may hasten to add) and popped it in my gob and swigged it down with a Yard of Milk . I spent the evening drifting in and out of snoozedom on the settee and eventually went to bed .

I awoke this morning in the small hours and something is amiss , my intestines are gurgling and I have a slight concern , I shrug it off as maybe being a tad hungry and drift off back to sleep . Eventually the alarm goes off and I awaken properly , and the first thing I have is the urge to really really Fart . A proper good dirty one as well . I test the water as it were and slam my buttox shut immediately . This is not going to be good as I know what is occurring ...... I Penguin it over to the toilet (just imagine a Penguin walking) and deaden the fall with a good Boxing Glove size of rolled-up paper , I sit down on the cold seat and relax , Damn , all I can say is it was like that bit out of Dumb and Dumber when that dude gets spiked with the Laxative . This went on for ages and I think I emptied my intestines from top to bottom ............. twice .

I went back to bed after calling in to work and fell asleep . I arose about 1pm and my limbs are aching beyond belief , I can hardly walk and somebody is scraping the back of my eyeballs with the tines of a fork . My mouth tastes very watery and I have some disturbing burps . My electric meter runs out and I decide to shuffle down to the shops . I am standing in the queue of Blue rinse elderlies who are chatting about the cost of Cat food and how their bunions are giving them gyp and I get the gurgle of Doom . I manage to get the Electric and start to shuffle the 2 blocks to my house trying to use my legs from the knee down . I pass a gent in the street and he is smoking , I get a whiff of his ciggie and I go to chuck up , strange really as I used to smoke and have been known to still have a sly one once in a while . I double over and managed to not hurl , I stand up and wipe the sweat off my top lip and all of a sudden .... GLOIK!!!! "Uh-Oh" .....UBBLE "Oh My" , shuffle shuffle shuffle FLUBBERBUBBABUBBAGE "OOOOOH NOOOOOO!!!" . I am eyeing bushes and alleyways up in case I have to go `Code Brown` but I am sure I can make it . It took way too many attempts to get the key in the door and I am sweating like a Glass Blowers Arse . The Dog greets me in the usual fashion by standing on her back legs right in my path of travel and she is unceremoniously persuaded to knock it right off by me yelling "GEDDOUDAFUGGINWAYYASTUPIDMUTT" and I begin the ascent to salvation . The Thundermug welcomes my load with an open mouth and I am pulled back from the Abyss . I have never felt so bad in my life .

A snooze and a sympathy phone call from the Girlfriend and I feel up to eating something , the choice is "Cheerios" drowned in milk and a cuppa . I munch away happily and feel a bit of respite . I snooze again and around 10pm my eyes fly open and it`s on again . I hurdle over the Dog and clatter up the stairs and slam myself down on the Loo and begin the "BumChug" of Doom . Now I have eaten some strange things in my time , in some strange places and probably not the best of hygienic conditions but who would have known that a Pill picked up off my own Kitchen floor would have produced this effect . The floor was bleached on Monday night as well and the Pizza I had for tea was well and truly cooked so I am ruling out a touch of food poisoning , as I write this , there is a disturbance in the Force and I have a feeling this is not over by a long shot .

Many posts ensued with advice and much laughing at my cost and later on that night I returned to the forum with this .....

Well I have just returned from the Bathroom YET again . I was watching some comedian on TV and made the mistake of laughing . The laughter stopped very suddenly and I made my way upstairs to the kingdom of Boggtopia . I sat down and produced a sound that could only have been made by a Pod of Dolphins . The smell is very bad now and my intestines are chugging and churning . Toilet paper has never felt so abrasive and my Rusty Sherriff`s Badge must look like a Blood Orange . I am frightened to go to bed as there is a pain in my lower stomache and I know what that means .....................

I was advised to eat dry Toast or Biscuits .

I actually have less than bugger all to eat here , unless you count the 2 Venison Steaks in my fridge and I aint going anywhere near those . I have just glommed down a huge bowl of Alpen and already there is an avalanche and Gut-Quakes going on ..... in fact , I better go nearer the Thundermug as I can feel a Pan-Splattering is about to ensue .

Everything goes quiet and I think I am out of the woods .

Well the last time I went to the lav , according to the forum , was around 1:15 . I just went back upstairs and as I got to the bottom of the stairs I could smell it , now that was over an hour ago . I sat down almost gagging and "Popped the Cork" and the torrent continued . Oh my god , I want this to end , when will the Horror end ?

PS. The Alpen is sitting in my stomache like a Bowling Ball on a stretched Rubber sheet ....... I am going to regret eating that .

And then the update arrives .

That very night I was kept awake with the incessant gurglings and Ubblings of my intestines and slept with one eye open and the Brown eye clamped firmly shut . I drifted off eventually and was awoken by the Girlfriend letting herself in and trying to quieten down my mutt who is always happier to see her than she is me . I hear the rustle of a carrier bag and know she has brought me some sort of relief from the horror . The bedroom door opens and she sneaks in and takes one look at me and goes "Oh my God!!!" . I was huddled in the Duvet and sweating like Rambo in the Vietnam jungle . She asked me how I was etc and we chatted for a moment and she went and put the kettle on so that I had a brew to go with the Immodium she bought for me . She brings the drink back upstairs and I lay on my back and breathed out slowly , she puts the drink next to the bed and sits on the matress next to me and feels my forehead , my stomache growls like a big bad doggie with Brown eyebrows and our eyes meet , hers are wide and mine are terrified . She just gets off the bed in time as I hurdle past her , slam the door shut , throw the windows wide open , jam my thumbs into the waistband of my jim jams and tear the offending clothing down to my ankles and launch myself onto the Cold Wooden seat of my dunnie for the inevitable . Well ........... I never try to break wind in front of my woman out of politeness and because she is a delicate little soul but Dayamnnnn!!!! , I think I can well and truly say she heard it all that moment , it`s amazing how much reverb and echo a small toilet can make when your loved one is 2 rooms away . After I finished I flushed and washed my hands and opened the door to hear the Girlfriend absolutely killing herself laughing , I shamble into the bedroom and she is face down on the bed with her shoulders twitching up and down as she is trying to stifle the fit of laughter with a pillow over her face ...... Cheers .

I manage to swallow 2 immodium and a brew and she informs me that she has brought me some Bagels , a can of Chicken Soup and some Tomato Soup as well . I thank her for it in my feeble and weak voice and she gives me a kiss and goes back to her flat as she doesn`t want to spend the day with somebody that has Bubonic Pox Death of the Rectum . I sleep until the afternoon and feel a bit better and decide to go downstairs and make myself a spot of lunch , I look at the Chicken Soup and think "Yup , good old can of Jewish Peniciliin will set me right" and I open it up and empty the contents into a glass bowl and sling it into the Microwave for 3 minutes . And I hear a noise upstairs , the suspiscious sound of a Dog dropping off my brand new Kingsize Pocket Sprung matress and onto the bedroom floor . Now the Dog knows I have rules for her in the house and those rules are as follows , no sitting on Human furniture or Beds and she gets fed after we do (maintaining pack order and all that) , those are the only rules and she has just broken one . I sneak upstairs and catch her coming out of my bedroom and I am less than impressed . I stand there with arms folded and she spots me , goes into "head down and eyes up" mode and I point down the stairs and don`t say a word . She slinks past and heads for her bed in the kitchen , I go into my bedroom to find she has rolled on my bed for some reason and I am really not in the mood for this . I strip the bed down quickly and throw all the stuff in the washing machine and shoot the Dog a nasty look and tell her she is Naughty . I stand up and feel a sharp stabbing pain in my back for a second and it goes . I turn around to fetch my soup out of the Micro and as I lift the Bowl out I get the pain again ........... what the hell !!!!! . I just about manage to put the bowl down and I grip either side of my Gas oven and I can hardly breathe . I manage to claw my way to the door and place my arms either side and the pain subsides but whenever I let go of the Doorframe it feels like my spine is going to snap and I Squeel in pain - Dog looks at me all stupid and I vow to cook her with some falva beans and a nice Chianti when all this is over "hufhufhufhuf" .

I manage to get to the living room and try to sit on the settee but the pain is like somebody eating the muscles in my back with small sharp pointy teeth and chewing on a vertebra at the same time . I get off the settee and crawl on my hands and knees up the stairs and just about dragged myself onto the matress and lay there sweating . I get comfortable on one side and think "Oh bloody hell , the duvet and pillows are on the chair , this can`t get any worse" ............... and then my stomache made a massive churning noise and I thought "That`s just great , I`m gonna end up cacking all over my new Matress just because that 4 legged little Ginger Bastard wanted to roll on it" . I don`t relish the thought and think I had better get back off the bed . I can`t move and now I am panicking , I manage to squirm over onto my side and each effort is monumental and I lay there with eyes and teeth clenched shut and pouring with sweat . It took roughly an hour to get back off that bed and the pain was unbearable . I got to the stairs and had to come down backwards , each step yowling like a Cat in pain , and what really got me angry was that my Chav-Dolescum neighbours can hear a pin drop in my house and are a right noisy bunch , and I heard them "Shushing" each other every time I yelled in pain , yet they didn`t come to my door to see if I was allright ........... I have a very long memory for things like that and I can bide my time .

I eventually get back down into the living room and on the settee is salvation , my Mobile , my Inhaler and the Cordless phone , I ring 999 and request an ambulance . I slip my feet very carefully into some trainers , pull a jacket on very slowly and begin the slow and teeth shatteringly painful walk to the front door . I get there just as the Ambulance arrives and tell them what has happened , curtains are twitching around the street and I`m determined not to let these layabouts see me in distress . I manage to get vertical and walk slowly into the Ambulance . We are on our way after a short setup of some kit and a questionnaire and I text the Girlfriend (she won`t be awake yet as it is now 3 O`Clock and she works nights) . I get into Minor Injuries and the Ambulance Crew explain everything for me . I lay there on my side for an hour answering questions to people I can`t see as I am facing the wall . Around 4:30 the Girlfriend comes in all worried and gives me a hug , I squeel in pain as she didn`t know and go all sweaty again . Eventually somebody comes to see me and does some tests after getting me to move onto my back which took about 5 minutes . From the tests she informs me I have Lumbago and I utter "Great , pipe and slippers next and you may as well start giving me Piles cream as well as I`m sure that will be the next Giffers ailment I will have next" .... the Doc and the Nurses fall about laughing . Another Nurse appears minutes later with some tablets for me , I chuck them down happily and swig some water and she produces a needle . I ask her where that is going and she says "Into your side where it hurts" ...................... Just Groovy , couldn`t it have been my rump or an arm ................. Noooooooo it has to go into the bit that already hurts . I roll over and she lifts my sweatshirt up and jabs me with the needle and exclaims ""Ohhhh your skin is quite tough there" , the Girlfriend quips "He`s like the bloody Terminator he is" , I think to myself that if I was the soddin Terminator I wouldn`t be sat in a soddin Hospital whimpering like a Puppy would I ?

The needle does it`s job and I start to feel better , some other Nurse comes in and says "Right , we have to get you upright now ........ but" , I look at her and say "there is something you are not telling me so out with it" . She replies "Well , I would like to help you but I would like to keep my hearing" , I give her a blank look and she carries on with "In my experience , when we get people with what you have ...... it tends to be very painful getting them upright" . I promise her that I won`t yell and scream and let`s just get this done . She lifts the back of the bed and my eyes start to water , I breathe a few times and give her the nod to extend it further and she cranks it up a bit more ........ I am right on the cusp of it being very painful and can hardly breathe and everybody is yelling at me to breathe ......... yeah I can hear you and it is my normal thing to breathe but right at this moment in time I am paralysed in agony right now and Gurning like Harold Steptoe on Acid . I motion the Nurse to Crank it again to get past the horrible bit and before I know it there is a Nurse wiping tears away from my face and everybody is telling me how brave I was ................ WHO BLOODY CARES , I`m not 4 years old , I don`t need to hear rubbish like that .......... where`s the Morphine ? <----- this was another ungrateful monolog in my Pain-driven mind . What happened on the outside was me thanking them and could I have a 5 minute break . I am not even 45 degrees on the bed and there is a long way to go yet . The Girlfriend is fretting and saying "They are gonna come back in a minute and make you get up , I don`t want them to do that baby , make them wait , please ." I tell her that in my past experience from Bike injuries , it`s just best to stop faffing about and get it over with , she is almost in tears . I breathe deeply a few times , grip the frame of the bed and slide myself up a bit at a time , if there had been one of those Dangly handles above the bed it would have been easier . Eventually I get myself into a position where I can get myself to 90 degrees and I go for it and I think that injection had really kicked in by then . Somehow I get upright , get my legs on the floor and manage to stand up ..................... pah , this standing lark is quite easy now . A nurse comes in and gives the Girlfriend a rather large supply of Voltarol , Co-Codamol and some Diazepams . The Nurses look at me and realise how big I actually am and I see them all thinking "Thank God we didn`t have to pick him up" . And so with that , I was discharged and the Girlfriend led her "Terminator" out of the building ........ not some huge clanking Death Machine with Red glowing eyes seeking out a Hard target ................. but some huge , shuffling , whimpering Man that went "Owwwww" with every tiny step that was seeking a Soft Target to sit on .................... but at least I didn`t have the Shits anymore .

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

The one about the "Swiss Army Knife"

The Swiss Army Knife , an iconic image in the mind and recognisable the world over . I never had one and always thought they would be a "handy thing to have" . Considering I did a lot of outdoor activities when I lived in North Wales , it should have been something to purchase . It was not until I moved to London that I became the owner of this Iconic Multi-Tool and knife array . Here is that story .

It was a Saturday afternoon and I was living in a shared accomodation in East London , a few friends from North Wales had moved down to London and I decided to join them . Now these were the days when I was very hairy , "Very Metal" and everything in London was the "Survive or Die" mentality of the 90`s . One of the lads in the house was a trainee Teacher and his brother (who used to be a good friend of mine) also lived in the house . Trainee Teacher pops his head around the door and exclaims "PARTY tonight , your both invited , that`s if you want to come along , there will be lots of boring Teacher types there .... probably not your scene" . His brother and I smell a Rat and instantly agree to attend the party . "They are gonna shit themselves when we turn up mate" I say to his brother (equally as hairy as myself and "Very Metal" too) . We go to our rooms and prepare for the Party . An hour or so later we are wending our way through the centre of London in a car and head into North London ......... a place I had a serious distaste for as they are "a bit poncy" over there (a view I had and don`t have anymore) .

We ring the buzzer on the intercom and are granted access . Immediately we climb some stairs that have mood lighting and I instantly know we are going to be reviled and feared in this place . The door opens and the Hostess greets trainee Teacher with wide open eyes and a huge smile , he introduces his brother and myself . The wide open eyes now have raised eyebrows over them and a fixed grin of panic and a hand is profferred and a greeting is uttered . I resist the temptation to lick the hand like Kurgan from "Highlander" and make my way inside . We are presented to the rest of the party in a highly strung manner "Hi everyone this is Badger and trainee Teachers younger Brother" ................ roughly translates as "Oh my God , look at them , they are going to eat us if we upset them" . Drinks ensue and some of the braver ones make polite conversation with us , things go along swimmingly and they realise that we are not "Bad sorts" in reality . A few hours pass and more drink is consumed and I find myself standing in the Kitchen , inevitable migration at parties . I am chatting with my mate and espy a Swiss Army Knife dangling from a piece of string that is tied to a very expensive built in oven .

I point this out to my mate and the Hostess came swanning over , very proud of herself , and exclaimed "Oh yes , that was my idea , it is there for opening Beer bottles and the corkscrew in it will do for Wine bottles , it can`t go missing either as it`s tied to the Oven" she leans in closer "and will stop people stealing it." she quips at the end in a conspirational manner and gives us a smug grin and departs from her own Kitchen . I look at my mate , then the knife and then open up the biggest blade , cut the string , close the blade and deftly pocketed the freshly acquired prize . My mate starts laughing uncontrollably and I set him off even worse by looking at the Hostess and saying "Genius of an Idea" to her and raising my glass . The party has now become a chore to attend and we make plans to further enhance our fun by stashing bottles of Wine in the Oven to retrieve later before departing and consume at a later date .

The party grinds on and we decide to "do one" and get out of there . We walk for a while and eventually find a Cafe that has opened up for the early hunger brigade . We sit down to a Bacon butty and a Coffee and a read of the papers . Freshly fuelled we get up and head for a Tube station to find the gates shut , still too early for the Underground it seems . We walk for a while longer and it is refreshing to see London so quiet , only us , Pigeons , delivery drivers and people sweeping up the discarded fast food trappings of the previous night . Central London soon looms and we are on familiar ground and eventually end up at Tottenham Court Road , we see the Underground is now open and we scurry down the stairs and flash our travel cards at the gates and head down into the bowels of the Underground system . A train swiftly arrives in a warm breeze that sends Tube Mice scurrying and assaults our ears with the squeel of brakes and the clatter of ill-matched rails . We clamber aboard and settle in for the journey to Liverpool Street .

We get there after a bumpy journey that makes the Bacon Butty , Coffee and multiple Beers all swill together in our stomaches and I feel decidedly Green around the Gills . We get on our connecting Train that will take us to Goodmayes and home . My mate starts to fall asleep and says "Wake me up when we get there" . I couldn`t help thinking "You selfish Bastard , I have to keep guard for you , Fuck off." and then a plan formed in my mind . I let him sleep , "yes sleeeeeeeep my friend I will awake you when the time is right" . The train swiftly despatches us through East London and dips a toe into Essex where we are supposed to get off , The next station is ours and I slowly get out of the seat ..... head towards the door and wait for the deceleration of the train . The doors open and I step out and walk to a window opposite my sleeping friend , the doors hiss shut and I bang on the window as hard as I can . My mate opens his bleary eyes and they widen in horror as he clocks the name of the station and the fact that the train is now moving , he mouths something but I cannot read his departing face as I am also doubled up in laughter ....... "aaaaah a great day indeed" .

I get home and slam into my bed , face down and let my weary bones rest . I am awoken an hour later by the slamming of the front door and my friend walks past my door and hears me already killing myself with laughter . He comes in trying to be angry with me but he isn`t , I get a few digs in the arm but my laughter wins in the end . He calls me an "Arsehole" and leaves my room and disappears into the house to his room . Eventually the trainee Teacher comes in around 3 in the afternoon , looking seriously harrassed . He then tells us a horror story . "Well we tidied up a bit and the Hostess decided to make a Chicken Dinner for us all for helping out , we went to Tesco`s Metro and bought a Chicken and stuff and came back and put the Oven on to pre-heat ..... your never gonna guess what happened next?" .............. I have a good idea and it probably isn`t going to be good . "The Oven exploded in a shower of Sparks because some idiot had put a Wine bottle in there and it had heated up and exploded" . It turned out that the Oven was RUINED beyond repair .

I was mock horrified and so was my mate , trainee Teacher leaves us and I turn to my mate and quietly say "well that`s a bloody shame" , my friend retorts with "Bloody shame !!!!! , WE put those bottles in there , that Oven blew up because of us you Maniac !!!!!" and I calmly replied "I know , I am fully aware of that ....... but what a waste of perfectly good Booze"

I still have that Swiss Army Knife :)