The one about "The Beast with Two Backs"

Now from time to time we all have a horrible Sex story , or something that went badly wrong whilst making "The Beast with Two Backs" ............. here is my recollection of an event that happened in the 90`s . I apologise to anyone that knows me , but you have been warned .

Back in the mid 90`s , I moved to London . To survive I did many jobs that I detested , worked for agencies for little pay , did Engineering jobs . The one job I did like though was being a salesman for a world famous Music Shop . This job had me mixing shoulders with celebrities , fleecing rich people for more money than I should have (I was on commission based pay), attending release parties for new Kit that would be given to me for free (sold in LOOT 2 days later) and generally selling Ice to Eskimos and nicking pennies from Beggars ....... I pulled some right old scams , but it put food in my belly and sometimes I got the occasional night out . On one occasion I had done rather well on a Studio Deal and was feeling a bit flush . The trains were late home so I decided to go out for a Beer . I returned home very late and collapsed on my bed and fell asleep .

I also woke up late and the company used to fine us for being late , so I literally brushed my teeth and legged it out the door , still wearing my combat fatigues , a pair of Dr Marten Boots and a Bright Orange Hoodie . I was a hairy beast in those days and had a Goatee and very long hair too . I also still had the same underwear and socks on . I managed to make it to work on time by the skin of my teeth and suffered a horrendous day of stupid people asking me stupid questions all day and not buying anything . I had the Hangover of 12 men and was close to eating Human Flesh . I managed to pop out for 5 minutes at lunchtime and grab some new underwear from C&A but no socks as I forgot . New undies were thrown on in the Loo at work and I felt better with some scran in my belly as well . The head was still a bit muggy when it came to going home . The shop shut at 6 , the weather was shitty and it was getting dark . I looked out of the train window from Liverpool Street Station and watched all those people in their warm homes on a Friday night , getting ready to go out . I needed a "Hair of the Dog" .

As we pulled into East Ham station I thought "The Ruskin Arms is nearby ....." (a famous Heavy Metal pub in East London , and just the sort of people I hung around with at the time) "....... Fuck it I`m going in" . I walked in and espied a Dewy , Frosty Caffreys pump and thought "That will go down well" . Right at that moment a girl approached me , I had seen her many a time in there and she was always with this mate of hers . They always whispered to each other when I walked in , a vision of hairy Heavy-Metalness .... and to those women , slightly Foreign with me being from Wales . Now this girl had a very Punk look about her , Bright Pink hair , lots of makeup and lots of piercings and was very attractive . She walked right up to me and said "If I buy you a drink , will you come home with me" . Internally my mind was going "Bloody Hell , that`s a bit direct , and a new one on me" ............. Externally I found my shoulders shrugging and my eyebrows raising and my mouth saying "I`ll have a Caffreys please" . The evening went along quite nicely and at the end , Pink Hair nodded to her mate (who was driving) and they finished their drinks and I was literally grabbed by the neck and marched to a car . We drove out of London and I was thinking "Where the Fuck are we going ?" . It took about an hour to get to Pink Hairs flat , she bade her friend goodbye and we proceeded to dash up the stairs and slammed the door shut even before her mate had engaged first gear .

We were on the bed and getting along nicely (shan`t divulge details , you all know what goes on) and I was thinking "Oh shit ......... I have had these socks on for 2 days , in Dr Marten boots , they are gonna be Mingin`" . I excused myself from the Bedroom and asked where the Bathroom was . In there I managed to whip my boots off quickly , balled up the slightly offensive socks and gave my feet a quick wash . Everything was fine but there was no way I was gonna keep these socks about my person . I opened the window and threw the fuckers on the roof . Problem solved . I proceeded to head back to the bedroom and get my groove on <---- Wriggles eyebrows . We had a great night and the next morning we swapped numbers and agreed to meet up the next weekend where it was her turn to drive and her mate to get drunk . I walked out of her flat and into the outside world , with no idea where I was and managed to spot a train station , this place was very rural and a lot of countryside in every direction ... I was far from anything resembling London . It turns out I was in a place called Upper Warlingham in Surrey . I got on the train and made my way to London , and from there I caught the tube to East London and , eventually , got in through the front door . My House mates looked at me and exclaimed "Where the Fuck have you been for the last 2 days" . I relayed the story and got back slapped for my efforts , then I went for a bath and crashed out on the bed .

Over the following week , Pink Hair called me a few times and I called her and we chit chatted . It got to the weekend and it started to rain heavily . I called her on the Friday to see if she was still game on for Saturday night and she was despondant . "I can`t afford it" ........ I was thinking "Oh here we go , the let down" . She then proceeded to tell me that it rained all week and water started to overflow from her guttering on the top of her flat . She had to call a plumber in who ran some rods up the pipework , a bit like I was doing the week before ;), and there was a blockage . He put a corkscrew device on the end of the rods and proceeded to drag something down the pipes . She was telling the story and I was listening , not really ready for the next bit ....... "and do you know what was on the end rods ?" ... "No idea" I replied ........... "A bloody rolled up pair of socks!!!!" .

Pink Hair and I parted our ways a few weeks later . I bumped into her , quite literally at the Donington Monsters of Rock a few months later , that was an uncomfortable moment ...... I never did confess to the socks though .