The one about the "Swiss Army Knife"

The Swiss Army Knife , an iconic image in the mind and recognisable the world over . I never had one and always thought they would be a "handy thing to have" . Considering I did a lot of outdoor activities when I lived in North Wales , it should have been something to purchase . It was not until I moved to London that I became the owner of this Iconic Multi-Tool and knife array . Here is that story .

It was a Saturday afternoon and I was living in a shared accomodation in East London , a few friends from North Wales had moved down to London and I decided to join them . Now these were the days when I was very hairy , "Very Metal" and everything in London was the "Survive or Die" mentality of the 90`s . One of the lads in the house was a trainee Teacher and his brother (who used to be a good friend of mine) also lived in the house . Trainee Teacher pops his head around the door and exclaims "PARTY tonight , your both invited , that`s if you want to come along , there will be lots of boring Teacher types there .... probably not your scene" . His brother and I smell a Rat and instantly agree to attend the party . "They are gonna shit themselves when we turn up mate" I say to his brother (equally as hairy as myself and "Very Metal" too) . We go to our rooms and prepare for the Party . An hour or so later we are wending our way through the centre of London in a car and head into North London ......... a place I had a serious distaste for as they are "a bit poncy" over there (a view I had and don`t have anymore) .

We ring the buzzer on the intercom and are granted access . Immediately we climb some stairs that have mood lighting and I instantly know we are going to be reviled and feared in this place . The door opens and the Hostess greets trainee Teacher with wide open eyes and a huge smile , he introduces his brother and myself . The wide open eyes now have raised eyebrows over them and a fixed grin of panic and a hand is profferred and a greeting is uttered . I resist the temptation to lick the hand like Kurgan from "Highlander" and make my way inside . We are presented to the rest of the party in a highly strung manner "Hi everyone this is Badger and trainee Teachers younger Brother" ................ roughly translates as "Oh my God , look at them , they are going to eat us if we upset them" . Drinks ensue and some of the braver ones make polite conversation with us , things go along swimmingly and they realise that we are not "Bad sorts" in reality . A few hours pass and more drink is consumed and I find myself standing in the Kitchen , inevitable migration at parties . I am chatting with my mate and espy a Swiss Army Knife dangling from a piece of string that is tied to a very expensive built in oven .

I point this out to my mate and the Hostess came swanning over , very proud of herself , and exclaimed "Oh yes , that was my idea , it is there for opening Beer bottles and the corkscrew in it will do for Wine bottles , it can`t go missing either as it`s tied to the Oven" she leans in closer "and will stop people stealing it." she quips at the end in a conspirational manner and gives us a smug grin and departs from her own Kitchen . I look at my mate , then the knife and then open up the biggest blade , cut the string , close the blade and deftly pocketed the freshly acquired prize . My mate starts laughing uncontrollably and I set him off even worse by looking at the Hostess and saying "Genius of an Idea" to her and raising my glass . The party has now become a chore to attend and we make plans to further enhance our fun by stashing bottles of Wine in the Oven to retrieve later before departing and consume at a later date .

The party grinds on and we decide to "do one" and get out of there . We walk for a while and eventually find a Cafe that has opened up for the early hunger brigade . We sit down to a Bacon butty and a Coffee and a read of the papers . Freshly fuelled we get up and head for a Tube station to find the gates shut , still too early for the Underground it seems . We walk for a while longer and it is refreshing to see London so quiet , only us , Pigeons , delivery drivers and people sweeping up the discarded fast food trappings of the previous night . Central London soon looms and we are on familiar ground and eventually end up at Tottenham Court Road , we see the Underground is now open and we scurry down the stairs and flash our travel cards at the gates and head down into the bowels of the Underground system . A train swiftly arrives in a warm breeze that sends Tube Mice scurrying and assaults our ears with the squeel of brakes and the clatter of ill-matched rails . We clamber aboard and settle in for the journey to Liverpool Street .

We get there after a bumpy journey that makes the Bacon Butty , Coffee and multiple Beers all swill together in our stomaches and I feel decidedly Green around the Gills . We get on our connecting Train that will take us to Goodmayes and home . My mate starts to fall asleep and says "Wake me up when we get there" . I couldn`t help thinking "You selfish Bastard , I have to keep guard for you , Fuck off." and then a plan formed in my mind . I let him sleep , "yes sleeeeeeeep my friend I will awake you when the time is right" . The train swiftly despatches us through East London and dips a toe into Essex where we are supposed to get off , The next station is ours and I slowly get out of the seat ..... head towards the door and wait for the deceleration of the train . The doors open and I step out and walk to a window opposite my sleeping friend , the doors hiss shut and I bang on the window as hard as I can . My mate opens his bleary eyes and they widen in horror as he clocks the name of the station and the fact that the train is now moving , he mouths something but I cannot read his departing face as I am also doubled up in laughter ....... "aaaaah a great day indeed" .

I get home and slam into my bed , face down and let my weary bones rest . I am awoken an hour later by the slamming of the front door and my friend walks past my door and hears me already killing myself with laughter . He comes in trying to be angry with me but he isn`t , I get a few digs in the arm but my laughter wins in the end . He calls me an "Arsehole" and leaves my room and disappears into the house to his room . Eventually the trainee Teacher comes in around 3 in the afternoon , looking seriously harrassed . He then tells us a horror story . "Well we tidied up a bit and the Hostess decided to make a Chicken Dinner for us all for helping out , we went to Tesco`s Metro and bought a Chicken and stuff and came back and put the Oven on to pre-heat ..... your never gonna guess what happened next?" .............. I have a good idea and it probably isn`t going to be good . "The Oven exploded in a shower of Sparks because some idiot had put a Wine bottle in there and it had heated up and exploded" . It turned out that the Oven was RUINED beyond repair .

I was mock horrified and so was my mate , trainee Teacher leaves us and I turn to my mate and quietly say "well that`s a bloody shame" , my friend retorts with "Bloody shame !!!!! , WE put those bottles in there , that Oven blew up because of us you Maniac !!!!!" and I calmly replied "I know , I am fully aware of that ....... but what a waste of perfectly good Booze"



I still have that Swiss Army Knife :)