The one about the "Incessant Diarrhoea"

This is a "copy and paste" of a post I made on a biking forum back in November 2009 , this may make you Laugh/Smile or be Sick , you have been warned . Sit back with a beverage and enjoy my discomfort for it is an epic post...... The Girlfriend in this post is no longer around .

I awoke this morning feeling somewhat Ill . I had a massive headache the night before and took a Painkiller , and it was this Painkiller that made me Ill I think . It was an Ibruprofen and it was my last one , I was talking to the Girlfriend on the phone and trying to pop this little Pink bugger out of the packet and it shot out onto the Kitchen floor . Now doing what men do best , I just picked it up , rubbed it on my T-Shirt (a very well known Germicide if I may hasten to add) and popped it in my gob and swigged it down with a Yard of Milk . I spent the evening drifting in and out of snoozedom on the settee and eventually went to bed .

I awoke this morning in the small hours and something is amiss , my intestines are gurgling and I have a slight concern , I shrug it off as maybe being a tad hungry and drift off back to sleep . Eventually the alarm goes off and I awaken properly , and the first thing I have is the urge to really really Fart . A proper good dirty one as well . I test the water as it were and slam my buttox shut immediately . This is not going to be good as I know what is occurring ...... I Penguin it over to the toilet (just imagine a Penguin walking) and deaden the fall with a good Boxing Glove size of rolled-up paper , I sit down on the cold seat and relax , Damn , all I can say is it was like that bit out of Dumb and Dumber when that dude gets spiked with the Laxative http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbDiujuv6rQ . This went on for ages and I think I emptied my intestines from top to bottom ............. twice .

I went back to bed after calling in to work and fell asleep . I arose about 1pm and my limbs are aching beyond belief , I can hardly walk and somebody is scraping the back of my eyeballs with the tines of a fork . My mouth tastes very watery and I have some disturbing burps . My electric meter runs out and I decide to shuffle down to the shops . I am standing in the queue of Blue rinse elderlies who are chatting about the cost of Cat food and how their bunions are giving them gyp and I get the gurgle of Doom . I manage to get the Electric and start to shuffle the 2 blocks to my house trying to use my legs from the knee down . I pass a gent in the street and he is smoking , I get a whiff of his ciggie and I go to chuck up , strange really as I used to smoke and have been known to still have a sly one once in a while . I double over and managed to not hurl , I stand up and wipe the sweat off my top lip and all of a sudden .... GLOIK!!!! "Uh-Oh" .....UBBLE "Oh My" , shuffle shuffle shuffle FLUBBERBUBBABUBBAGE "OOOOOH NOOOOOO!!!" . I am eyeing bushes and alleyways up in case I have to go `Code Brown` but I am sure I can make it . It took way too many attempts to get the key in the door and I am sweating like a Glass Blowers Arse . The Dog greets me in the usual fashion by standing on her back legs right in my path of travel and she is unceremoniously persuaded to knock it right off by me yelling "GEDDOUDAFUGGINWAYYASTUPIDMUTT" and I begin the ascent to salvation . The Thundermug welcomes my load with an open mouth and I am pulled back from the Abyss . I have never felt so bad in my life .

A snooze and a sympathy phone call from the Girlfriend and I feel up to eating something , the choice is "Cheerios" drowned in milk and a cuppa . I munch away happily and feel a bit of respite . I snooze again and around 10pm my eyes fly open and it`s on again . I hurdle over the Dog and clatter up the stairs and slam myself down on the Loo and begin the "BumChug" of Doom . Now I have eaten some strange things in my time , in some strange places and probably not the best of hygienic conditions but who would have known that a Pill picked up off my own Kitchen floor would have produced this effect . The floor was bleached on Monday night as well and the Pizza I had for tea was well and truly cooked so I am ruling out a touch of food poisoning , as I write this , there is a disturbance in the Force and I have a feeling this is not over by a long shot .

Many posts ensued with advice and much laughing at my cost and later on that night I returned to the forum with this .....

Well I have just returned from the Bathroom YET again . I was watching some comedian on TV and made the mistake of laughing . The laughter stopped very suddenly and I made my way upstairs to the kingdom of Boggtopia . I sat down and produced a sound that could only have been made by a Pod of Dolphins . The smell is very bad now and my intestines are chugging and churning . Toilet paper has never felt so abrasive and my Rusty Sherriff`s Badge must look like a Blood Orange . I am frightened to go to bed as there is a pain in my lower stomache and I know what that means .....................

I was advised to eat dry Toast or Biscuits .

I actually have less than bugger all to eat here , unless you count the 2 Venison Steaks in my fridge and I aint going anywhere near those . I have just glommed down a huge bowl of Alpen and already there is an avalanche and Gut-Quakes going on ..... in fact , I better go nearer the Thundermug as I can feel a Pan-Splattering is about to ensue .

Everything goes quiet and I think I am out of the woods .

Well the last time I went to the lav , according to the forum , was around 1:15 . I just went back upstairs and as I got to the bottom of the stairs I could smell it , now that was over an hour ago . I sat down almost gagging and "Popped the Cork" and the torrent continued . Oh my god , I want this to end , when will the Horror end ?

PS. The Alpen is sitting in my stomache like a Bowling Ball on a stretched Rubber sheet ....... I am going to regret eating that .


And then the update arrives .

That very night I was kept awake with the incessant gurglings and Ubblings of my intestines and slept with one eye open and the Brown eye clamped firmly shut . I drifted off eventually and was awoken by the Girlfriend letting herself in and trying to quieten down my mutt who is always happier to see her than she is me . I hear the rustle of a carrier bag and know she has brought me some sort of relief from the horror . The bedroom door opens and she sneaks in and takes one look at me and goes "Oh my God!!!" . I was huddled in the Duvet and sweating like Rambo in the Vietnam jungle . She asked me how I was etc and we chatted for a moment and she went and put the kettle on so that I had a brew to go with the Immodium she bought for me . She brings the drink back upstairs and I lay on my back and breathed out slowly , she puts the drink next to the bed and sits on the matress next to me and feels my forehead , my stomache growls like a big bad doggie with Brown eyebrows and our eyes meet , hers are wide and mine are terrified . She just gets off the bed in time as I hurdle past her , slam the door shut , throw the windows wide open , jam my thumbs into the waistband of my jim jams and tear the offending clothing down to my ankles and launch myself onto the Cold Wooden seat of my dunnie for the inevitable . Well ........... I never try to break wind in front of my woman out of politeness and because she is a delicate little soul but Dayamnnnn!!!! , I think I can well and truly say she heard it all that moment , it`s amazing how much reverb and echo a small toilet can make when your loved one is 2 rooms away . After I finished I flushed and washed my hands and opened the door to hear the Girlfriend absolutely killing herself laughing , I shamble into the bedroom and she is face down on the bed with her shoulders twitching up and down as she is trying to stifle the fit of laughter with a pillow over her face ...... Cheers .

I manage to swallow 2 immodium and a brew and she informs me that she has brought me some Bagels , a can of Chicken Soup and some Tomato Soup as well . I thank her for it in my feeble and weak voice and she gives me a kiss and goes back to her flat as she doesn`t want to spend the day with somebody that has Bubonic Pox Death of the Rectum . I sleep until the afternoon and feel a bit better and decide to go downstairs and make myself a spot of lunch , I look at the Chicken Soup and think "Yup , good old can of Jewish Peniciliin will set me right" and I open it up and empty the contents into a glass bowl and sling it into the Microwave for 3 minutes . And I hear a noise upstairs , the suspiscious sound of a Dog dropping off my brand new Kingsize Pocket Sprung matress and onto the bedroom floor . Now the Dog knows I have rules for her in the house and those rules are as follows , no sitting on Human furniture or Beds and she gets fed after we do (maintaining pack order and all that) , those are the only rules and she has just broken one . I sneak upstairs and catch her coming out of my bedroom and I am less than impressed . I stand there with arms folded and she spots me , goes into "head down and eyes up" mode and I point down the stairs and don`t say a word . She slinks past and heads for her bed in the kitchen , I go into my bedroom to find she has rolled on my bed for some reason and I am really not in the mood for this . I strip the bed down quickly and throw all the stuff in the washing machine and shoot the Dog a nasty look and tell her she is Naughty . I stand up and feel a sharp stabbing pain in my back for a second and it goes . I turn around to fetch my soup out of the Micro and as I lift the Bowl out I get the pain again ........... what the hell !!!!! . I just about manage to put the bowl down and I grip either side of my Gas oven and I can hardly breathe . I manage to claw my way to the door and place my arms either side and the pain subsides but whenever I let go of the Doorframe it feels like my spine is going to snap and I Squeel in pain - Dog looks at me all stupid and I vow to cook her with some falva beans and a nice Chianti when all this is over "hufhufhufhuf" .

I manage to get to the living room and try to sit on the settee but the pain is like somebody eating the muscles in my back with small sharp pointy teeth and chewing on a vertebra at the same time . I get off the settee and crawl on my hands and knees up the stairs and just about dragged myself onto the matress and lay there sweating . I get comfortable on one side and think "Oh bloody hell , the duvet and pillows are on the chair , this can`t get any worse" ............... and then my stomache made a massive churning noise and I thought "That`s just great , I`m gonna end up cacking all over my new Matress just because that 4 legged little Ginger Bastard wanted to roll on it" . I don`t relish the thought and think I had better get back off the bed . I can`t move and now I am panicking , I manage to squirm over onto my side and each effort is monumental and I lay there with eyes and teeth clenched shut and pouring with sweat . It took roughly an hour to get back off that bed and the pain was unbearable . I got to the stairs and had to come down backwards , each step yowling like a Cat in pain , and what really got me angry was that my Chav-Dolescum neighbours can hear a pin drop in my house and are a right noisy bunch , and I heard them "Shushing" each other every time I yelled in pain , yet they didn`t come to my door to see if I was allright ........... I have a very long memory for things like that and I can bide my time .

I eventually get back down into the living room and on the settee is salvation , my Mobile , my Inhaler and the Cordless phone , I ring 999 and request an ambulance . I slip my feet very carefully into some trainers , pull a jacket on very slowly and begin the slow and teeth shatteringly painful walk to the front door . I get there just as the Ambulance arrives and tell them what has happened , curtains are twitching around the street and I`m determined not to let these layabouts see me in distress . I manage to get vertical and walk slowly into the Ambulance . We are on our way after a short setup of some kit and a questionnaire and I text the Girlfriend (she won`t be awake yet as it is now 3 O`Clock and she works nights) . I get into Minor Injuries and the Ambulance Crew explain everything for me . I lay there on my side for an hour answering questions to people I can`t see as I am facing the wall . Around 4:30 the Girlfriend comes in all worried and gives me a hug , I squeel in pain as she didn`t know and go all sweaty again . Eventually somebody comes to see me and does some tests after getting me to move onto my back which took about 5 minutes . From the tests she informs me I have Lumbago and I utter "Great , pipe and slippers next and you may as well start giving me Piles cream as well as I`m sure that will be the next Giffers ailment I will have next" .... the Doc and the Nurses fall about laughing . Another Nurse appears minutes later with some tablets for me , I chuck them down happily and swig some water and she produces a needle . I ask her where that is going and she says "Into your side where it hurts" ...................... Just Groovy , couldn`t it have been my rump or an arm ................. Noooooooo it has to go into the bit that already hurts . I roll over and she lifts my sweatshirt up and jabs me with the needle and exclaims ""Ohhhh your skin is quite tough there" , the Girlfriend quips "He`s like the bloody Terminator he is" , I think to myself that if I was the soddin Terminator I wouldn`t be sat in a soddin Hospital whimpering like a Puppy would I ?

The needle does it`s job and I start to feel better , some other Nurse comes in and says "Right , we have to get you upright now ........ but" , I look at her and say "there is something you are not telling me so out with it" . She replies "Well , I would like to help you but I would like to keep my hearing" , I give her a blank look and she carries on with "In my experience , when we get people with what you have ...... it tends to be very painful getting them upright" . I promise her that I won`t yell and scream and let`s just get this done . She lifts the back of the bed and my eyes start to water , I breathe a few times and give her the nod to extend it further and she cranks it up a bit more ........ I am right on the cusp of it being very painful and can hardly breathe and everybody is yelling at me to breathe ......... yeah I can hear you and it is my normal thing to breathe but right at this moment in time I am paralysed in agony right now and Gurning like Harold Steptoe on Acid . I motion the Nurse to Crank it again to get past the horrible bit and before I know it there is a Nurse wiping tears away from my face and everybody is telling me how brave I was ................ WHO BLOODY CARES , I`m not 4 years old , I don`t need to hear rubbish like that .......... where`s the Morphine ? <----- this was another ungrateful monolog in my Pain-driven mind . What happened on the outside was me thanking them and could I have a 5 minute break . I am not even 45 degrees on the bed and there is a long way to go yet . The Girlfriend is fretting and saying "They are gonna come back in a minute and make you get up , I don`t want them to do that baby , make them wait , please ." I tell her that in my past experience from Bike injuries , it`s just best to stop faffing about and get it over with , she is almost in tears . I breathe deeply a few times , grip the frame of the bed and slide myself up a bit at a time , if there had been one of those Dangly handles above the bed it would have been easier . Eventually I get myself into a position where I can get myself to 90 degrees and I go for it and I think that injection had really kicked in by then . Somehow I get upright , get my legs on the floor and manage to stand up ..................... pah , this standing lark is quite easy now . A nurse comes in and gives the Girlfriend a rather large supply of Voltarol , Co-Codamol and some Diazepams . The Nurses look at me and realise how big I actually am and I see them all thinking "Thank God we didn`t have to pick him up" . And so with that , I was discharged and the Girlfriend led her "Terminator" out of the building ........ not some huge clanking Death Machine with Red glowing eyes seeking out a Hard target ................. but some huge , shuffling , whimpering Man that went "Owwwww" with every tiny step that was seeking a Soft Target to sit on .................... but at least I didn`t have the Shits anymore .