The one about the "Megger Fried Security Guard"

Many moons ago I did an apprenticeship for a well known local Washing Machine manufacturer . It was a very good time in my life and gave me a lot of the skills I have today with machinery and the ability to make things from almost nothing with hand tools or machines . The company has since moved its operations abroad and the original site has been long knocked down to make way for some sort of Welsh Assembly . Towards the end of the Apprenticeship I decided to specialise in becoming a "Fitter" where you maintained the big industrial machinery and kept the site running from day to day . I got stuck into a lot of work but sometimes there were quiet periods with hardly any downtime . At times like this a young and very bored tearaway could get up to all sorts of mischief .... and I did .

One of my duties every Friday was to go up onto the roof and head over to the Water Tower , very carefully with much wobbling and sweating and trying not to look down , and adding a treatment to make sure nobody got Legionnaires Disease from the bacteria in the water . It was here , one hot and sunny afternoon , that I decided to take a break . I noticed that some of the gutters up here had holes around them and were in poor condition and you could look down into the area where the trucks were loaded with finished produce . The wagons used to back up to a waist height concrete Bay , drop their tailgates and Fork lift trucks would load the products into the wagons for delivery . Once they were done a Roller-Shutter door was brought down and locked into place . "What has this got to do with the story" I hear you cry ..... all will be revealed shortly dear reader , patience ..... patience .

We used to have a very tyrranical boss who would come marching into the maintenance area , his stomache 2 yards ahead of his sweating and smoking mass , cigarette in one hand and shouting "why aren`t you lot working ?" , everybody would scurry around quickly and make it look like they were doing something ....... I never bothered as I was an apprentice and always had something to do . As it happened this boss was stood near me when I opened the top off my flask and poured myself a lovely steaming cup of Persil Washing Powder !!!!!!! . The bosses eyes bulged (there was a security issue on site with people stealing washing powder from the site and taking it home) , he gave me a look as if to say "Gotcha you Powder Stealing Bastard" ........ quick as a flash I uttered "F***ing Bastards , If I catch whoever is pouring my Coffee down the sink and filling my flask with powder , I`ll skin `em alive" , the boss thinks I have had a prank played on me and with this he laughs at my misfortune . I begrudgingly buy a drink from the machine and wander back in , the boss departs and I sit down next to the guys . There is a long silence and then one of the guys pipes up "You forgot to empty the powder out of your flask when you got home last night didn`t you ?" .... I brought the insipid drink up to my lips and went ..... "Yup" . Everybody fell about laughing and our supervisor slaps me on the back in a congratulatory fashion and says "Fair play lad , that was some quick thinking" . Well it was either that or get a disciplinary .

Over the next few weeks there is a massive clamp down and bag searches are prevalent , one thing I noticed was that I was getting searched quite often and by the same guard . He was one of those ones that was ex-military , regulation moustache that was cut about a quarter of an inch off the top of his lip and still thought he was in the army .... he was a prize Cock Smoker as far as I was concerned and his day was coming soon . He searched me again one evening and I walked away safe in the knowledge that everything was ok and then I overheard one of his colleagues , "You seem to search him quite a lot ?" .......... and his reply .......... "I don`t like Bikers" . I thought to myself "OK mate , you just became my main focus of mischief ..... it is so ON" . I walk to the car park and start my bike up and join the queue to leave the site . I eventually clear the gate after about 5 minutes of waiting and ride away past the front of the factory and I notice this particular guard is walking along the concrete Bay and checking that the Roller-Shutter doors are down and locked and I have a flash of inspiration . Inside my bike helmet I am almost cackling like a lunatic at the plan that forms within a Millisecond "Oh you are in for a rare treat buddy , a rare treat indeed" . I sleep happily that night and dream the finer details of my plan .

Now , a little factoid here for you . The unions had sorted out an agreement that we only worked a certain amount of hours . This basically worked out that we worked til 1 in the afternoon on one Friday and the week after we had Fridays off . It was a great system and the week I decided to treat my favourite security guard was a 1 o`clock finish , I usually did some overtime on a Friday afternoon as we had hardly anybody on site and it was easier to maintain stuff without losing a limb without the operators around . The first port of call was to go and see the Electrical Department ..... or the "Sparkies" as we called them . I saw one of my friends working alone in there and snuck in for a quiet chat . 10 minutes later my friend has given me 2 rolls of wire and has agreed to meet me in the end loading bay , directly under the pipes that carry the rain water away . I scuttle up onto the roof and grab the ends of the 2 rolls of wire and feed them down the holes behind the pipe . My friend grabs them and gives them a tug to alert me that there is enough wire . He carries out my instructions ........

1. Bring Roller-Shutter door down and lock it
2. Attach wires loosely around the back part of the door mechanism and hide them
3. Remove fuse from door panel so it cannot be opened
4. Hang a sign on the door where the loaders can see it on the inside as "Down for Maintenance"

So , from the outside it just looks like the door has been brought down and locked to any passing Security Guard . The second part of the plan involves persuading Harry the Storeman to provide me with a Megger Insulation Tester without signing for it . I explain that no matter what happens , we never had this , he never signed one out , you ain`t seen me .... allright ? . He agrees as he knows I am up to no good and likes to hear about my escapades . Now I know some of you are staring at the screen going "OK Badger , what the heck is one of those Megger Insulation Tester thingies ?" . Imagine a wind up torch , the more you wind it up , the brighter it gets and then when you press the button , you get some light . Well this is a big box , you connect it to a new wiring system and wind the handle up so that the needle gives the required amount of Voltage and then you press a button .... it discharges itself into that system and then reports back whether the insulation will not break down under the required load and set fire to your property . With Megger in hand I clamber back up onto the roof and connect it to the loose ends of the wiring and then scuttle back down the system of ladders to check my mates work .... he`s done a good job , wiring is hidden , wound around the handles by 1 turn and ready . We just need the final part of the plan and we are ready .

A couple of hours pass and it is almost time to finish , I tell my Supervisor that I am just gonna go to the back of the site and make sure the Fork lifts are all on charge and that all is good up there . He "Okays" this and I walk past the Sparkies Dept and give my mate the nod and he gets up and follows me . All over the site there are people congregating near the exits with bags over their shoulders , happy and jovial that the weekend is here at last . We look around to make sure nobody sees us and enter the doorway that leads to the ladder system that enables access to the roof . We blast up them as quickly as possible and get down by the Megger and lay flat on the roof , there is a small parapet about 3 feet high that we hide behind and I start winding the Megger up , my mate is shaking his head and saying "Absolutely not , that will probably kill him" . I discharge the unit and ask where is good , he advises me where the needle should be on the meter and I agree , it doesn`t take many turns and we wait . I watch the Security lodge and see the Guards come out and "Moustache" is not there . "F**K!!!!" all this was for nothing . People come swarming out and I hear the rest of the Roller-Shutter doors coming down below us .

I am disappointed and so is my partner in crime , people are being checked at the gates , the sun is shining and we are sweating from the heat and the apprehension . My eyes flick from the meter to the area below and I am scanning for our favourite Guard , I lean over and give the Megger a few extra turns to keep it topped up and we scan the area , he`s around somewhere because we have seen him earlier in the day . The crowd is thinning out a bit and some of the Guards return back into the lodge to get out of the heat and I am chewing my bottom lip in annoyance ................ and then the Security Lodge door opens and "Moustache" emerges , placing his cap on his head . "BINGO!! Target Acquired" . He paces along the front yard and heads for the Roller-Shutters , my friend is almost peeing himself laughing and I motion my arm downwards and give him a glare . He is 4 doors away , he tests Door 1 ..... Rattle and Twist the handle , it is shut . Megger gets another casually slow wind for luck ...... Door 2 ..... Rattle and Twist the handle , it is shut . Megger gets yet another casually slow wind for luck ...... Door 3 ..... Rattle and Twist the handle , it is shut and he progresses to Door number 4 . My finger sits on top of the discharge button and I watch him walk to the final Door , one shiny polished boot follows another in slow motion , his arm reaches out , another boot comes down and his hand opens up to grasp the handle and the very nanosecond that his palm touches the handle and his fingers wrap around it .......................... I pressed the Discharge Button .

I can honestly say that I never expected the result that we got , all I know is that I was looking down on him , his back was arched , mouth wide open in a silent scream and standing on tip-toes like a Ballerina . I gave him the full whack until the needle hit zero and then we waited . I heard Boot scuffles and risked a quick glance over the parapet to see "Moustache" bent over and walking away from the area , clutching one hand and whimpering like a Puppy . I give my accomplice the nod and he takes off for the ladders with the Megger in one hand , I yank on the wires that delivered the charge and they come away from the handle and I pull them back up through the roof . I coil them up and slip them inside my boiler suit and almost slide down the ladders . My accomplice hands me the Megger and I send him back into the Bay via a side door so that he can replace the fuse and remove the sign . I take a back route to Maintenance , knock on the firedoor for stores and Harry opens it up and takes the Megger out of my hands . He closes the door and I casually wander over to the Fork lift charging stations and make sure all is good . I stuff the wire behind one of the sheds as it is too risky to be walking around with that on me at the moment . I make sure the cameras spot me going about my duties .... if I have timed this right then I will get back to Maintenance in a few minutes and ready for a brew . I saunter in casually and wash the Fork lift grime off my hands and mention to the Supervisor that "One Pillock didn`t even plug his truck in to charge up properly" , he tuts in a typical fashion and hands me a brew . I make eye contact with Harry who gives me a wink , so that bits sorted , where is my accomplice ? . I glance over to the Sparkies area and there he is , reading a newspaper and acting natural .

We work for a couple more hours and nothing is mentioned . It`s all too quiet and something should have gotten back to us but it hasn`t . We leave the site and there is only a couple of Guards on duty , I resist the urge to quip about how quiet it is and wend my way out of the gates and head for my bike . The weekend passes without incident and many beers and we return to work on the Monday .............. to Pandemonium . The Electrical department all leave the bosses office and he is yelling and I catch part of a conversation along the lines of "you can`t get a shock off them , that`s what he won`t understand" . An hour passes and word has got around that a Security Guard got a nasty shock off the Roller-Shutter doors and to be careful whilst the Sparkies investigate . My accomplice reports back to me that it is all "kicking Off" in their department over this with managers shouting at other managers . The door is given a clean bill of health and an explanation of "Improbable" is given out . We keep our heads down and hope it all passes . Eventually it goes all quiet on the Western front and we leave work , I spot "Moustache" amongst the guards and catch a glimpse of his bandaged hand . I open my bag for him to inspect and he looks in , he doesn`t put his hand in to move things around and then he looks at me and I found myself saying "looks nasty that" ............. and giving him a wink .

The look on his face was priceless but not as funny as the look on Harry`s face one day as I retold him this story , in a quiet local Pub over a Beer that was promised to him for his helping hand in the matter of the "Megger Fried Security Guard"