The one about the "Odd Tasting Brew"

Back in the very early 90`s we didn`t have Mobile Phones , or Facebook ...... in fact the Internet wasn`t up to much either . We had things called Bulletin Boards or BBS . We used to organise all sorts of computer related events where we swapped software etc . A real big thing would be a local show where you could go along and buy all sorts of kit for your computer . The big computer at the time was the Commodore Amiga and we used to flock to these shows to buy as many blank discs as we could and then cram as much free software onto them as was humanly possible . The best time to get a very good price was when the very hassled stall holders were packing away , they just didn`t care anymore and would sell all sorts of tat for next-to-nothing . Me and my mate , Lee , would hover around these stalls and bag all sorts of goodies .

Now , as I said before , we didn`t have Mobiles and other such stuff , so we organised stuff well in advance . This evening we had organised to go to our local , The Cross keys , and meet up with our fellow hairy folk for an evening of Ale Quaffing and playing as much Rock/Metal as the Jukebox would allow . We were supposed to be there for 8 O`Clock . Lee is Diabetic so would drive there and drive us all back for the price of a few Diet Cokes . We are in the Computer show and I look at my watch and exclaim "Bloody Hell Lee it`s a quarter past 7 , we better get a wriggle on !!" . A hasty retreat and last haggles are made and we are legging it back to the Car (which is about a mile away) and spilling 3½ inch discs all over the place . We pile in and get moving and I hatch a plan . "Right mate , pull over at the chippy and I will jump out and grab 2 bags of chips , we get to my gaff and you put the kettle on and butter some bread , I`ll dish the chips onto plates and throw the Coffee and Sugar into some cups , Kettle boils and we have brews and food and then off to the pub ?" . Lee agrees with this and we pull over and get some chips .

We arrive back at my place and dive into the kitchen , I grab 2 plates and dish the chips out , I grab 2 cups and reach out for a Red topped jar . My mother was favouring Kenco Coffee at the time and it came in a jar with a Red hexagonal lid . I spoon 2 big heaped spoonfulls of Coffee into the mugs and chuck 2 Sugars on top . The kettle has boiled , the bread is buttered and thrown onto the plated Chips . Lee passes over the Milk and I top the brews up with hot water and Milk . We each grab a plate and a mug and make our way into the Living room . Chips are pressed into soft doughy , buttered Bread and introduced to mouths ...... NOM NOM NOM CHEW , Lovely . Mugs are raised to lips and both of us take a drink of our Coffees at the same time . A great big gulp of well deserved and long awaited Coffee , cooled nicely with the right amount of Milk and soon to be followed by another great chewy mouthful of Chip Buttie ............. but it isn`t Coffee . We both jump up and leg it to the front door and jettison the liquid onto the front lawn , I have my hands on my knees and I am retching like a puppy . I just about manage to not throw up , Lee is laughing hysterically with tears running down his cheeks and a bad case of the hiccupps as well . I think about the weirdest thing I have ever tasted in my life and go to throw up again (I swear I am gagging as I type this and it was almost 20 years ago) . We head back into the kitchen to examine the ingrediants . The Milk smells fine , it even tastes good as I swill my mouth with it . The Kettle has no suspicious ingrediants and the Coffee ........................ isn`t Coffee . The Red topped jar of Kenco Coffee was actually a Red topped jar of Bisto Gravy Granules and I had just made a nice brew of Meaty goodness with 2 sugars and milk ....................... an absolute Grooler of a drink and makes me feel queesy at the mere thought of it . I even jump when somebody mentions Beef nowadays .

Everybody laughed in the pub that night and I am sure they all bought Chips and Gravy on the way home afterwards .